FED'S FOOT FURIOUS FAT FIGHT
At long last, and
just in the nick of time, the Food and Drug Administration is rushing to our
aid in a last-ditch effort to save us from ourselves. To help avoid
widespread human explosions like the one depicted decades ago in a Monty
Python film, where an obscenely obese over-eater takes one last after dinner
mint and explodes right there at the restaurant table, the FDA takes solid
aim at the cause of our collective fatness. Portion size.
An AP story by
Andrew Bridges lays it out in gruesome detail. In a report released on June
2nd, requested by the FDA and funded by taxpayers, the government takes aim
at restaurants and their portion sizes. Clearly, as a culture, we are
unable to discipline ourselves in any way and as always, this leads to some
kind of new enforcement agency to oversee our behavior. The 136-page report
prepared by The Keystone Center of Keystone, Colorado claims 64 percent of
us are overweight. The average person takes in 300 more calories per day
than they did fifteen years ago. The report calls for restaurants to
down-size portions and provide more cohesive listing of caloric content of
its menu. Doesn't everyone want to peruse a laboratory report of their meal
just before they order? Will we soon have test-tubes and Petri dishes as
our centerpiece at restaurants?
With federal agents
checking our socks at airports, our phone records, whether or not we're
wearing our seatbelts, and now, hopefully, hovering over us as we dine out,
measuring and weighing our veal or lemon chicken, what could possibly go
wrong? I wonder, will the Fat Police have uniforms or will they travel
incognito like the air marshals? Of course, the air marshals were not so
"under-cover" as it turns out. A recent news program outlined how they were
complaining that their own rules and regulations made them stand-out like
sore thumbs. They complained, rightly so, that their own safety was
compromised by the fact that they routinely were instructed to bypass
airport security, sit in specified sections of the aircraft, adhere to a
strict dress-code, all to such an extent that they may as well have a big,
flashing sign that says "air marshal here", with an arrow pointing at their
head. Will these "restaurant agents" be similarly burdened, or will they be
allowed to go undercover, dressed as wait people or kitchen staff?
The report mentions
that there are 900,000 establishments that serve food in the United States
so staffing will create a lot of jobs. The paperwork alone will require
the deforestation of most of Oregon. The report also mentions that when
America dined out in 2005, the top three menu choices remained hamburgers,
french fries and pizza. What we need, really, is a hamburger made from
potatoes that tastes like pizza. Perhaps, if we could get more of the
nation to follow the lead of Phoenix, where about half the population is
addicted to methamphetamine.....
Soon, I think we
will have to consider the possibility that each American is assigned an
I.F.A. at birth. Oh, sorry...that's Individual Federal Agent. Someone to
guide you through the tough parts, you know. Help with the big questions
like, should I eat this much? "Put down the cheesecake and come out with
your hands up..." Imagine, no more security checks because we've all got our
own Agent99 right by our side. Seatbelt? You bet I've got it on. I'm not
going to do a stretch in the big house for being unbuckled. Speaking of
unbuckling, does my IFA sleep at the foot of the bed? You are
asleep...right, sir?