JUST A POP-TART, PLEASE
In consideration of the recent spate of scares regarding everything from toothpaste to spinach, I began an exhaustive research program to discover, once and for all, if there is anything that is absolutely, 100%, safe to eat. The results of my study? Pop-Tarts. The reasoning, not surprisingly, is elementary. Pop-Tarts are essentially synthetic, they last forever, they arrive in a nice, atmosphere-resistant foil pouch, and there isn't any evidence that the stuff in the middle has any actual fruit in it at all. Sure, at one time, PT's were considered "junk-food", the kind of stuff that people in trailer-parks ate. Not anymore. Every time I open a newspaper, the stories surrounding our food supply get worse and worse.
Last week, President Bush appointed a high-level panel, whatever that means, to focus entirely on the safety and integrity of our food supply. While I appreciate the "panel", I kind of admire China's response to the executive who allowed toothpaste tainted with anti-freeze to make its way to American supermarket shelves. They simply executed the executive. In America, he would have resigned with a 200 million dollar bonus and a high-paying consulting job. One thing for sure, we won't see anymore "Crestone" coming out of China. Sadly, though, the story does not end there. The latest story announces the all new lead-based candy and sewage-grown cantaloupes from Mexico. My first question was, who's picking Mexican cantaloupes? I thought everyone was over here already. Who is doing the jobs Mexicans won't do in Mexico? Ahh...forget it.
The problem with the cantaloupes is that they are irrigated with, well...sewage. The lead in the candy? Your guess is as good as mine. And these sordid tales are just a few more in a long line of similar scenarios. In the last 12 months, the Food and Drug Adminstration has rejected 1,901 shipments of food and cosmetics from China. India and Mexico trailed, barely, with 1,787 and 1,560 shipments, respectively. The most common reasons for rejection are foods that contain poisons and pesticides, or are simply unapproved. One inspector describes many shipments that are "just plain dirty and appear to consist in whole or in part of a filthy, putrid, decomposed substance or are otherwise unfit for food." Thank you for the graphic description. More frightening still, is that the FDA, under the constraints of their current budget and resources, are able to inspect only 1% of the approximately 8.9 million food shipments that arrive here each year.
In 2002 there was a problem with the Mexican Poopaloupe when several cases of salmonella were traced to the fruit. Two people died and many were hospitalized. In 2003 it was Mexican green onions that caused an outbreak of Hepatitis A in Pennsylvania. Four people died and over 600 hundred took ill. All we seem to get from Mexico is the stuff that has gone bad, from people to papaya. How about sending us something from the top of the barrel once in a while?
It is fun to crack wise about this stuff, but of course the underlying message here is how ridiculously vulnerable we are and furthermore, that vulnerability is widely known. When you're inspecting 1% of anything, expect mass-violations. Look how well the Big Dig turned out, and everything was being inspected there. Taking all of the above into account, it should come as no surprise that during my last visit to a fine restaurant, after hearing the specials and perusing the menu, when the waiter asked if I was ready to order I said, "Yes, just a Pop-Tart, please."
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