NICE TO MEAT YOU
Say what you want about our culture here in America, but one thing you could never say is that we take ourselves to seriously. One reason for this, is that a large percentage of us are unable to take anything seriously. We just don't have the...let's see, how do I say this...intellectual horsepower to do it. I'm not complaining. For folks in the business of making laughs, the well springs eternal. There simply isn't a day that goes by that isn't brimming over with potential material.
Lots of it slips right by us because we are numb to the daily absurdity of our existence. Consider last week, in the media-induced pre-snowstorm-panic, when Governor Patrick announced that all "non-essential" workers should stay home during the inclement weather. Most of us don't bat an eye, but if you stop and think about that for even a minute, it is at once hysterical and insulting. I hesitate to go any further, but the very notion that one is "non-essential", in essence, suggests that there is no need to show up for work, regardless of the weather. Is there any other business, aside from the auto industry, where non-essential people show up day after day, collecting a paycheck week after week? Indeed, in the wake of that announcement, wouldn't you be sure to get to work, hell or high water, to underscore your "essentialness"? Not if you work for the government.
Marketing ploys are another non-stop source of entertainment. I mentioned on my show earlier, that Burger King...yes, Burger King is announcing the arrival of a men's body spray. The announcement itself is staggering. This is a veer over the yellow line, at the very least. One would expect a new sandwich, or maybe a spicier Ranch Sauce. Perhaps "Free-Range Beef" or the like, but this wild skid into the men's fragrance market is astonishing in and of itself. I'm wondering if it isn't a wild ploy to get people like me to go to Burger King, order something to eat, and then just sit and wait. I am beside myself with curiosity, feverish at the prospect of getting a glimpse of the person, or half-man, half-beast, that buys a bottle of Burger King body spray along with their bacon cheeseburger.
The new scent is called "Flame" and is described as having the "faint scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat". I'm serious. Personally, anytime I smell burning meat in a romantic situation my fist inclination is to slow down a little. Moreover, I'm wondering exactly what kind of woman is attracted to the smell of flame-broiled meat on her man. Isn't it easier, and cheaper, to simply rub a little of your last bite of burger under your arms, or perhaps a little behind each ear? Maybe I'm being to cynical. Certainly there were studies conducted. Women volunteering to sniff different types of meat and register their hormonal reaction. I'm assuming bacon sent them off the charts.
I can say from experience that I have found that simply keeping a small lump of uncooked hamburger in my pants seemed to attract some extra attention from the ladies. In my study, it was difficult to ascertain whether the reaction was amorous or simply a reaction to the odor. Mix this with a spray of cigar smoke under each arm and you have the complete "American Man" scent. All kinds of doors have been opened here.
Laugh if you must, but Burger King may be one of the last American businesses that hasn't asked for a bail out. Maybe they know something we don't know, that the new business-model is not doing what you know best, but doing a little bit of everything. Maytag introduces a line of Beef jerky. Victoria's Secret special Vise-Grip set? Have you tried the Boeing Sausage?
I'm not sure where we're headed, but I'll be waiting with baited breath. I'll also have my nose tuned in for a wafting scent of slight burned meat. On the other hand, with the economy worsening and fears of a full-scale Depression worrying most Americans, there may be a host of different things being cooked. Merry Christmas.
Karl From New Hampshire